I've got to start with a pair of Pratt's. I understand it is their birthday today. Happy Birthday both. Real shame about the lockdown as Friday Club would have been awash with cake and homemade sausage rolls and cheese straws. It is marvellous, 90 today and still driving a tractor, cutting down trees and refereeing (of sorts!!).

Secondly I thank Inspector Clouseau for bringing to my attention the breaking news that The RFU have determined the league positions as of today will determine promotion and relegation for when the season starts again. I understand that there might be some adjustments based on success rates where clubs had games in hand. Where a club would go into a play-off the team with the better record will be promoted. An example of the latter is in National League 2 South Taunton Titans are promoted and based on my calculation so would TJs as their record is better than their counterpart in Nat 2 North. How our friends at Haywards Heath are affected I don't know and who along with Maidstone gets relegated is as of yet unknown. The RFU have stated that the full league positions and the relevant movements between leagues will be released at 6pm April 6th.

This decision means Newcastle Falcons are promoted with Saracens relegation being confirmed making today's film starring these teams ............ Trading Places.

Thanks Inspector and yes Mrs Bleater and I are fine but feel as if we are starring in Papillion; locked away on a remote island where there is no escape.

I thank my brother for sending me the best 12 double-entendres ever aired on TV and radio. One a day coming up.....
1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother"

Now talking of my brother and so to the photo. Firstly just when you felt it safe to pick up the phone as Crook, Thief and Robber, Lawyers specialising in PPI were no longer on the scene we now have a new scandal: the mis-selling of PPE.

Actually this is no laughing matter as when you have a son (my nephew) and his partner on the front line potentially dealing with Covid-19 patients on an hourly basis you want them to have the best equipment possible. The pontificating and back biting over this is getting us nowhere however. I refer you back to my toilet roll example. It has been calculated that only a small proportion of the population panic bought loo roll in bulk with most others buying "just a little more in case". This caused the shelves to empty and they are still not full even now. Imagine then the spike in demand for PPE when a significant proportion of buyers/users massively increase their demand. If you have ever worked in consumer goods and know the slightest thing about "just in time" logistics for supply chain, production and point of sale you will know how difficult it is to suddenly ramp up production. Yes things could have gone better but this nonsense about being Nostradamus and foreseeing the future is embarrassing. Move on.

Yes, let's move on to testing. I was going to ask if I was stupid but I know the answer: according to Mrs Bleater it is "most of the time". On this basis am I missing the point with regard to all the point scoring on the subject of testing. People are up in arms about it so let me explain why I am confused.
Person A works as a GP and has decided to self-isolate because her child/dog/cat/canary has a slight cough and a bit of a fever.
Very sensible decision so she asks for a test as that will tell her if it is safe to go to work.
The test is done and is all clear so she goes back to work.
Back in the surgery two hours later she comes into contact with a Covid-19 patient and contracts the virus.
The test becomes null and void and therefore is a complete and utter waste of time.
Unless you test all 70m UK citizens at the same time immediately diverting the virus infected to one part of the country for isolation (Scotland?) and the non virus to another what does testing achieve.

Please help me understand.

Once a test is available that shows you have had the virus and may have some immunity then I get that but random testing to see if you have it is only relevant for that moment in time.

In other news

Gordon advises that BT will switch off your sports subscription during the period of the crisis.

O'Fez brought to my attention that Shenzhen and only Shenzhen has banned the eating of cats and dogs and that China has approved the use of bear bile in treating critically ill Covid-19 patients. More on this tomorrow as by then I will have a quote from Yogi and Boo-boo.

The Bard has complained about my comments on Piers Morgan. He reckons I was a little too soft.

Finally thanks to Pete for sending me an update on rugby vernacular.
1. Loose head prop: Moderately tall fat lad, often aggressive when something obstructs his way to the bar, pie shop and occasionally a ruck. Does weights, no-one knows why.

That'll do. Hookers tomorrow. I'll leave that one with you to mull over.

Thursday 2nd April: 09:00

Have you ever wondered why you never see Raelene Castle and Nessa in the same room together?
Are they the same person?
No! They must be different people.
One of them talks a lot of common sense and knows a fair bit about our great game.
The other became CEO of Australia Rugby!

(Thanks Ken)

Before I get into the usual mishmash of spelling mistakes and grammatical errors "thank you" for your emails of support. As I have said on more than one occasion I do this as much for my mental health as for any other reason. If no-one read it I would still do it.

By the way I was a little take aback by the positive comments about my Sunday lunch. As a consequence let me tell you what Mrs Bleater and I treated ourselves to earlier this week.

Smoked Salmon layered onto lightly smashed avocado served with sautéed fresh asparagus (sautéed in a little Sauvignon Blanc) topped off with a poached egg, all garnished with a little crushed black pepper.

There is good news and there is bad news.

The bad news is King Eddie is likely to be extending his very lucrative contract until the end of RWC 2023. Bad because I don't think he is going to take the players any further than they are now.

The good news is King Eddie is likely to be extending his very lucrative contract until the end of RWC 2023. Good because if I keep going that long I won't need to find any new material. There will still only be one game plan, he will still be shooting his mouth off and it will all be someone else's fault when England continue to underachieve.

The money men at PRL are talking about a summer shoot-out to decide the winners of the Premiership. If as expected the season cannot be completed then it will be a four team play-off with the winner taking all, that of course if they haven't gone bust by then!

The RFU have fired the first shot in what could be a bitter dispute. They are proposing cuts to the VERY generous £25,000 match fees England players get. No wonder the RFU finances are in a mess. Samoa's match fees are £650 by comparison.

There will be no good things coming out of this virus as the death tolls climbs but perhaps after a period of mourning and contemplation rugby can look back and say "at least it gave us the opportunity to bring some sanity back to the finances of game as a whole and players wages specifically".

Talking of players wages top flight soccer should be ashamed of itself. Chairmen and Directors worth many, many millions, if not billions, players earning £70,000 and upwards A WEEK and who gets shafted first? The lowly paid staff who actually do all the work. Spurs have put all those on furlough whilst disgustingly claiming back the maximum allowable by the government. This at the same time as the players ENORMOUS wages are untouched.

The banks are bang out of order too. We bailed them out when they shafted us but they are now dragging their feet when companies need their support. That said I would find it hard to give money to a badly run lossmaking enterprise to help them get through this so that they can continue to make losses into the future. That is not how it should work. Well run businesses however should be able to ask for help and get it instantly.

As I am on a roll I am fed up with all the negativity and back biting and points scoring around the virus. This crisis, and yes I will use the term, is unprecedented. No-one could have predicted the full horror and it is depressing enough as it is without all the negativity. No-one is deliberately dragging their feet or making the wrong decisions. Everyone is doing their best. They might be making mistakes but no-one, not even than the smarmy holier than though (on this subject at least) Piers Morgan is perfect. Even for £70,000 per week I wouldn't want to be forced into making some of the decisions our politicians and scientists are having to make. Let's just for once cut everyone some slack and give support rather than thinking "I could do better and it is always someone else's fault". Do you know what you couldn't do better and blame is going to get you nowhere.

The same goes for the media. One person is stuck in South Africa and the Government is to blame. They need to spend the money to get that one person home. Bollocks do they. They need to focus on the many and spend the money where it needs to be spent. People like my good friend O'Fez saw this coming and jumped on the first available flight home when he was on holiday in Spain (again!). Others who haven't followed the advice that has been out there for some time will just have to suck it up.

I am going to move on as some of things I want to say about how the media and some in public life are handling this situation is so very misguided might be beyond acceptable to some, but at some point in time they might need to be said.

Moving on......

Thank you to NJ for some more movie ideas......
Men in Black played by Neath RFC
Jurassic Park starring The RFU
The Great Dictator with King Eddie in the lead role

I have added a couple more......
The Good, the Bad and The Ugly starring Exeter Chiefs with Tony Rowe as The Ugly
The Bridesmaids featuring Ealing Trailfinders.

Time to go but we will get through this. Picture the scene post lockdown and isolation
Erin: "Hi Deidre, I'm so glad this isolation thing is over"
Deidre: "Me too. It has been difficult"
Erin: "By the way, where's your husband"
Deidre: "Oh, he's in the garden"
Erin: "I came in that way and didn't see him"
Deidre: "that could be because you didn't dig deep enough!"

(Thanks Max)

Wednesday 1st April: 09:30

All Fools Day, a day when the pranksters have their moment in the sun. Sorry but the more I read about this damned virus the less funny I find it. As you know I was pretty blasé about things to start off with but as you read about more and more cases where young people with no underlying health issues are succumbing then being blasé is not acceptable.

Let me do some rugby stuff first. Have the SRU signalled what the RFU might do, that is to declare the domestic season 2019/21 null and void. When their season starts again it will be with the same teams as of today. We'll find out our fate soon enough. Based on what is happening across Europe and bearing in mind we are behind that curve I see no possibility of this season being completed.

The SRU board members are deferring their, not cutting, salaries by 30% until August. Whoopy doo! This is the same SRU board led by Mark Dodson, clown of this parish, who voted themselves a 50% pay increase just a few months ago. So no hardship for them as staff endure untold difficulties. I won't shed a tear if the already strapped for cash SRU goes belly up based on this selfishness. By the way this is the same SRU that whinged like buggery about the possibility of a game being cancelled when people had lost their lives, their homes, their livelihoods after Typhoon Hagibis hit Japan.

I had anticipated one or two Premiership clubs would go to the wall even before the Covid-19 crisis started to blight all our lives. With collective losses of £50m, in my mind it was inevitable. Right now four of the big 13 have furloughed their staff, including the players: Sale, Wasps, Gloucester and Newcastle. How long will it be before, like Carluccio's and Laura Ashley who were not financially robust before the crisis, one of them goes bust.?

The Australian set up is on the verge of bankruptcy too. 75% of staff have been laid off and debts are now sitting at £60m (c.AU$120m).

Changing tack slightly I was delighted to receive an update from our Club's Exec outlining our position. Whilst we will face hardship we are significantly better off than many. This is due to the excellent way our Exec runs the club and the prudence and diligence of Peter J. I salute you all and say THANK YOU. In the same update it was great to hear the selflessness of some who are ensuring when the green light is given to go ahead in whatever form and no matter how limited we are ready to go.

Whilst the fate of the Premiership dominates the headlines the lack of international rugby is the worry for the grassroots game. Without it the RFU and other unions are, pardon the expression, stuffed. This means along the line unless international rugby is back at Twickenham some time soon then stuffed will be what the grassroots game is. Clubs have to be able to stand on their own two feet but the RFU does invest in us and losing that would be a severe blow.

Moving on, if you have SKY then this morning they are showing the Lions tests from 2013 and the tests from 2017. If you haven't then it is reruns of reruns of Poirot and Midsommer Murders for you.

To Graysey's question about the source of the virus. The official line is it started in Wuhan and was a caused by the mutation of a virus carried by animals being passed on to humans. Wuhan is known for people eating anything and everything from dogs to bats to snakes and so forth. It is believed this mutation was transferred that way and the rest was history.

However there is a theory that the virus had been around for some time before that and what we are seeing now is a mutation of something much milder. Some reports indicate that very similar symptoms have been recorded in other regions before this one blew up.

It won't be put on record but there is much discussion about the closeness of the Chinese Military's laboratories being located on the outskirts of Wuhan. The theory here is the military were developing chemical weapons that could be used to target opposing forces. Whilst this is conspiracy theory gone mad if vaguely true then it cannot be a coincidence that males are more severely affected than females. Males obviously being the predominant fighting force. I have read pathetic stories about the Chinese developing a euthanasia virus to remove the old and the sick from the population thus relieving the burden on the state. In my humble opinion all of these more outlandish things are bullshit.

I believe if there was any truth in the theory about the source of the virus being the labs then my view is its release was a total accident and that would also substantiate the reason for the virus being covered up in its earliest days in China. Me I go with the official version.

Some interesting other comments. It is believed that the German death tool due to the virus is lower than other areas not because of amazing governance but because it is alleged they are not reporting deaths as Covid-19 related where the patient would have died in the near future anyway.

Are Sweden heading for disaster by not locking down the country and telling their citizens to get on with it. The pubs and bars are packed and life goes on over there. Perhaps they have got it right: get it over with!!

The turkeys are heading home in the USA. Covid-19 is getting out of control over there, not only killing many people but highlighting their divisive and unfair healthcare system.

Bit of a "cock-up" with today's picture....... Sorry! Tomorrow's winner has already been decided unless I get more today.

I have mentioned how Tommy Cooper was one of the many good things to come out of Wales. Some of you have corrected me by saying the only good thing to come out of Wales is the Severn Bridge.

Tuesday 31st Mar: 10:00

Let me get straight back to Chris Foy's piece in the Daily Fail. It is not explicitly stated so I have no idea whether his Feb to June 10 team season is forever and a day or a one off short term measure following the Covid-19 crisis. The current season is Sept to June so is Foy proposing wiping five months of top flight domestic rugby or is it now a summer game as per rugby league. There is a proposal for a ramped up top notch European tournament and if this runs straight after the domestic season then fine. The current format intermingled with the domestic season is a mess. He then proposes a short tournament with the top four teams from each set up: Premiership, Top 14, Pro 14 and Super Rugby as a season finale. This latter competition could be held in the US or Singapore or Barcelona to ramp up the hype and carry with it a large prize fund. There is no calendar to support all this so I am at a loss.

International rugby would continue under his proposal but at a different time of the year. The 6 Nations and Rugby Championship would be the centre pieces as now and tours would also continue. He does make a very good point and that is tours, incoming and outgoing, must include the current tier 2 nations.

Foy then goes onto suggest in the longer term clubs academies could be taken over by the RFU and we move to a draft system like the NFL.

That'll do for now as having read it through twice I am struggling with it. Bleater, you miserable narrow minded bugger. Wrong, and let me explain why. Rugby is not just played in England by 20 top flight clubs it is played across the world and not only at elite level. There are many hundreds of clubs up and down England alone and many more across the world and if we are going to reset the game we cannot reset it just for a few. It must be for the many (where have I heard that before?).

Foy makes some good points that are important to us at the grassroots. The game needs to be more appealing both on and off the field. Less kicking for example, more free flowing rugby, a little more razzle dazzle around game day. The Premiership needs to be sorted and should be the showcase but it must be in partnership with the RFU and therefore the grassroots can benefit. Keeping the 6 Nations as is is important. Losing the European Challenge Cup is a sensible idea and replacing it with something more dynamic is ok. Separating the domestic game and the European competition makes sense. A global challenge between the best four teams in the world is a nice idea but sounds awfully expensive. My biggest issue is Foy's ideas appear expensive and would require a huge investment from the clubs themselves, unions and sponsors. Anybody with half a brain would see that the world has changed and changed for good. What we need is a dynamic game that is appealing despite it getting less investment, because in my mind as surely as Sunday follows Saturday there will be significantly less money around for anything let alone for rugby.

I prefer using the Championship as the feeder for the top flight but if a draft system a la US sport can be made to work then I am all for that by the way.

Lets move on. As a sign of the times USA Rugby has filed for chapter 11 bankruptcy. This leaves the burgeoning MLR clubs teetering even more perilously on the edge of despair than their English counterparts. I did smile as the report states rugby is the fastest growing sport in the US. Yes, it is growing, and it is growing fast thanks to the US success in 7s and the MLR set up, but people, it is still a minority sport behind NFL, NHL, MLB, NBA, MLS and even ten pin bowling.

The Tokyo Olympics has been moved to next summer. It will now clash with the Lions 2021 tour to South Africa but the rugby authorities are not concerned about that due to the time difference. In fact it could work in the Lions favour with games kicking off at 17:30.

Drew Pratt is self isolating in 14 acres of land and keeping himself occupied by cutting grass and sorting out fields. It is an incredibly lonely task with no-one for miles around but he is doing it for the greater good and doing an amazing job. WELL DONE DREW. Keep safe.

Tommy Cooper, another good thing to come out of Wales........
I said to the gym teacher: can you teach me to do the splits?
The teacher said: 'How flexible are you?'
I said: 'I can't do Tuesdays'

Peter K has sent me a lovely photo of a rainbow over a country cottage as his entry. Sod that the winner is the one at the top of the page.

I will keep Graysey's question of yesterday until tomorrow if I may.

Can I finish not with a rant about those jumped up arrogant stars who think it is right to flaunt their wealth during this time of crisis, or those mindless morons who ignore the guidelines, nor the b'stards who abuse our wonderful NHS staff, but with some "hoorahs!"

Hoorah to the amazing workers who got the emergency hospital in London up and running in record time. Hoorah to Mercedes F1 and UCL for getting a cheap and easily built alternative to a ventilator to the NHS in days. Hoorah to all involved in our shops and food distribution for keeping the shelves stocked. Finally a massive Hoorah to all who work in the NHS and in the care system for what they are doing and for what they do day in day out regardless of Covid-19.